Welcome Guest. Please Login or Register. Dec 15, 2009, 8:35am
It is the year 1978, and the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry step out into a world darkened by the war. The lines that once formed the barriers between the houses are falling, to be replaced with ones of their own creation; Death Eaters, the loyal servant of the Dark Lord Voldemort; the Order of the Phoenix, dedicated to bringing down the evil by any means possible; and those who struggle to remain Neutral, forever caught between the two extremes. Trust is an illusion, when you can never truly know who is your ally, and who is only waiting for the perfect moment to stab you in the back.
With less then a year until the Last Night, which side will you choose?
~December, 1978~
Hestia Elizabeth Rose Jones
19 years ~~~ December 9th
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hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Thread Started on Jun 7, 2009, 11:42pm »
Matilda smiled in mild amusement as she noticed- never a surprise to find out how easy she could get distracted- where she was. Of all places in Hogsmeade she had ended up at… the Shrieking Shack! How did that happen Matilda will never know but for now she did not wish to argue with Fate- the old haunted house never waking fear in the young woman who was now walking to an old swing that hung precariously from the branch of a lonely tree. When she stood close enough she realized the branch was twisted in an odd way but at least it seemed it could hold her weight… even though she could not claim the same about the old ropes belonging to the forgotten swing. Now and then she heard the strange noises coming from inside the house but that hardly upset her- she had wanted to be alone and since her new home was still lacking all the furniture she had opted for a little field trip to the familiar town of Hogsmeade. Without much thought Matilda sat on the swing- she was oblivious at the protesting sound coming from the ropes and the seat- and as she lazily started to slow movement a soft sigh escaped her lips: moments like this did no require smiles nor pretending she was alright: she could afford to feel sad and torture herself with questions that could help her understand what she did wrong- to understand where she failed. Oh she had tried to keep busy to avoid thinking on the last conversation she had with HIM- she refused to name him and simply because the mention of the name was painful- but sometimes she could not push aside her own emotions and pretend.
Fooling everyone else was easy compared to the effort it demanded to fool herself and she could no longer denied she was exhausted. Her breaking point had been last night when she had been invited for dinner with her closest friends… what a low blow to her fragile heart when she sat surrounded by two happy couples. She never felt the outsider but last night she had wanted to run away and hide. There was something utterly wrong about being a room with them- twice as wrong when Fabian mentioned she and Edgar should give it another try. Merlin… that was ancient history but made sense to him who had not seen her dating since the break up by the beginning of their seventh year. Talk about feeling awfully depressed! What did I do wrong? Didn’t I try enough? What did I miss? All those questions and several more filled her mind at night and to her misfortune she was still unable to push them away. Candy always helped to cheer her up but for one sugar was not the answer to her problems- the bag of sweets on her lap as she swung back and forward. More loud disturbing noises came from the house but the blue eyes continued to stare at a blank spot in front of her. No people seemed to be around- after all summer meant the small town was free from students- and she truly appreciated the solitude: it almost felt as being in another world as the sun shone above her- no cold wind to take her pain away. But she did not allow tears to form in her eyes as she attempted to convince herself that she was better without him… that nothing had been real and that she had no reason to feel betrayed or hurt. He made it perfectly clear: she was nothing to him and he never loved her. All between them had been nothing but a game- a joke on her expense. And in the end that wasn’t hard to believe when rumors about his engagement to a pureblood woman was reaching every corner in the wizarding world. Go ahead and marry a stranger. I’ll be fine- not now but soon. I’ll survive one way or the other. I’ll be the one laughing in the end.
Evan Rosier Death Eater I torment the frail member is offline
just take my hand, let's fly away. i promise i'll be there everyday.
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 224 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #1 on Jun 19, 2009, 3:33pm »
Evan Rosier was not laughing. He was not smiling- or even attempting to do so. How could he? Men and women he cared nothing about, especially the young woman on his arm- Glorianna Yaxley, his soon-to-be wife, surrounded the wizard. They were there to properly celebrate the engagement, making toasts and praising the perfect young couple. Glorianna was at least making the effort to smile and make polite conversation with everyone that approached them, but Evan was refusing to speak- the murderous expression he wore and the cold fury in his eyes were surely good enough to show what he thinks about the whole damned party. Rodolphus was not present, nor were any of his cousins that he got along with, nor any other friend that could possibly distract him for even a moment. His mother, Aurelia, had been strict about the list of people invited. And though he despised her for it- a small part of him grudgingly respected her knowledge. She of all people knew that if someone had come to his rescue, he wouldn’t be paying a speck of attention to Glorianna. Now he was forced to stand with her- her, the only person his age that he could speak to- and the one person he would rather not even look at. His anger had only grown when he overheard the women crooning to Aurelia how lucky she and Cassius had been- producing such a wonderful son and heir. There wasn’t a single mention of Evan’s recently disowned little sister, Angelica. Angelica, who had been his rock since he was but a child- and whom he had cast out of the family. The already miserable evening took a turn straight toward Hell when Evan spotted Renault Lestrange crossing over to him, accompanied by Rosemary. Uncle and Aunt he had always called them. Rosemary, sweet, delicate Rosemary offered him a small smile- one that he tried and failed to return. He had always viewed her as a mother figure, and the affection he felt toward her never once wavered. Renault proceeded to tell him he was proud- and that Cassius would have been proud as well- to know that Evan did the right thing for his family. It took nothing but seconds to realize he was talking about Angelica, though her name was never mentioned. White-hot fury boiled right under the surface of Evan’s patience and self-control… and he knew he had to get out of there. He hardly heard a word his Uncle was saying as he waited for him to finish, thanked him quietly, then excused himself as politely as he could manage.
He didn’t know why he did it. It was stupid, and no doubt he would face some terrible consequences later on. But it seemed like one minute Evan was standing outside his prison in the fresh air- and the next minute he was in Hogsmeade. He felt out of place as he walked down the high street- many of the people out and about wore colorful robes and were generally happy- a large contrast to his dark mood and expensive black suit. Evan absently let his feet carry him off, his anger slowly ebbing away with each gulp of fresh air that he allowed seep into his lungs. Soon he just felt numb. His face and eyes were both expressionless- he didn’t even question himself when he reached his destination and stopped. Looking up at the Shrieking Shack, and hearing the noises from within- the wizard was strangely calm. He welcomed the silence as he went to stand among the cover of some trees, past an old swing- opening his blazer, un-tucking his white shirt, and loosening his tie. Thoughts of his family and of Glorianna finally left him- only to be replaced by the haunting image of a beautiful blond woman adorning a bright smile. Evan smiled for the first time in days- but it was twisted, bitter. He didn’t want to think about her… but thoughts of her kept him sane these days. The last conversation that took place between them had been awful- Evan didn’t just break up with her. He had lied; telling her things that he knew should draw her to hate him. And when she cried, and asked him to change his mind- he had laughed. Humorless, cold… cruel. And with every tear that fell from her big blue eyes, he could feel his heart breaking. But Evan had known his place in the world, kindly set out by Cassius Rosier. So he had been forced to cast out the woman he loved shortly after casting out his sister… all for a life he cursed, and didn’t want. The wizard didn’t know how long he had stood in the darkness, listening to the odd sounds coming from the haunted building- but sooner than he would have liked, he realized he wasn’t alone. A woman had appeared and sat down on the swing- apparently oblivious to the danger of her actions. It was as if she had been ripped straight out of his mind and placed here in front of him- like some sick hallucination. Evan would always be able to recognize her. He stared at her, taking in all the little things about her that he had once overlooked. People said Evan was cruel… but he was nothing compared to Fate. The force that brought them both to this place must have been laughing at them. The wizard stood stock still, his coal black eyes never straying from Matilda as he weighed his options. He had no right to walk back into her life after what he put her through… but his mind and his body weren’t working as one. Logic told him to stay put, and wait for her to leave before returning to his home and his life- but just like when his feet carried him to the Shack, they were walking up behind her. Silent… until a loud snapping sound broke that silence. Evan stopped walking abruptly and looked down. He had stepped down on a twig- and there was no way Matilda had missed the sound.
Joined: Mar 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 270 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #2 on Aug 9, 2009, 8:22pm »
Fate had never been cruel to Matilda- she had been given a good life and until now she had no valid reasons to complain. Perhaps she had been too fortunate and the time for a taste of bitterness had arrived. The swing continued to protest as she balance her weight with almost lazy movements- too deep in her own tormented thoughts to notice the presence of the one person she could not face without shattering just a little more. A single tear ran down her cheek and she cursed under her breath… upset with herself for wasting tears in Evan Rosier. He was celebrating his engagement back in his luxurious estate and if she could place a bet certainly not lamenting over their separation. She could almost hear him laugh- amusing some of his refined guests with stories about the simpleton who dared to fall for him. Another tear followed the first and she muttered something in Russian as if the words could force her to stop behaving like a silly little girl. Only then when Matilda heard the sound behind her and slowly turned to face the intruder… the shock in her blue eyes evident as she met with the one responsible for her fresh tears. For a long moment she stared at him- dressed up for a formal gathering- and the silence was never more frightening if only because she wanted to tell him to go back straight to Hell and the words refused to leave her lips. Not having the aid of words Matilda reached out for the small bag of sweet treats resting on her lap and without thinking properly on the matter she throw the bag at the tall wizard… the colorful hard candies flying all over the place and some indeed reaching the intended target. Her reaction was childish- would have amused most people if there would had been someone to witness. But she had no regrets except for failing to hit Evan with not half but with all the sweets considering that in the end her feelings towards him still would not allow her to aim her wand towards him and teach him she can do a lot more than he dared to imagine.
“What do you want? Have another laugh at me before going back to your precious little world?” she asked- commanding herself to avoid crying this time. He had enough entertainment the last time they saw each other and she was NOT going to let him have the same satisfaction again. To look at him was beyond cruel… the pain she felt worst than she could have anticipated: it felt as if she had fallen from several feet above the ground and hit hard against the cold ground- every inch of her small frame aching as if broken. Matilda never thought she could hate him but for the first time she felt the disturbing emotion building inside her heart while without her permission memories of them together started to invade her mind. And then she saw Glorianna- perfect Glorianna and her flawless manners. She felt anger and wished she had something else to throw at him but no- it seemed a lot better to just walk away now that she had somewhat managed to ignore her feelings. Too soon and too fast she stood up and it was no surprise to see herself about to hit the ground if not for her left hand holding onto the rope that until then had sustained her weight. Her clumsiness chose the perfect moment to make an entrance but if she thought she had avoided disaster she was terribly wrong: the old rope didn’t hold her weight this time and in less than a second she hit the ground. Ah! Now the Gods were laughing! What else could be more perfect than to play brave in front of him to then make a complete fool out of herself five minutes later if not less! Frustration reached the limit and she never looked more upset and troubled than she looked now. “Look what you have done to me? Are you happy now? This is what you wanted to see?” she added- not attempting to stand up. “Look at it then- you won’t see me again. I swear to Merlin you won’t ever see me again…” And this time she chocked on her words- trying to avoid more tears hadn’t worked according to plan. She looked miserable at best and by all the Gods she wasn’t proud of herself but her anger seemed to then vanish as she grew silent in her efforts to gather some composure… big and sad blue eyes looking up at him from her spot on the ground.
Evan Rosier Death Eater I torment the frail member is offline
just take my hand, let's fly away. i promise i'll be there everyday.
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 224 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #3 on Aug 29, 2009, 1:04pm »
Evan listened to her muttering as he made his slow approach. She spoke both in English and in Russian- the ominous sign that she was most unhappy. And why should he expect any different? He walked right out of her life without a backward glance, knowing that he was breaking her heart. How many poor girls had fallen under his spell over the years? Truth be told there were too many, and Evan didn’t care enough about them to even make a guess. No tears or sobs or pleas to take them back had ever broken him down- he was undeniably what people had been calling him for years now- an asshole. The emotions of others never seemed to bother him at all, except for the very rare few people that he had been close to. So when Matilda turned to face him and he saw the fresh tears falling down her face, the pain it caused him was nearly unbearable. In this moment he would happily be Cassius’ guinea pig to try out his infamous curses, just to see what would happen when they’re used. He would take them all day long without a single complaint- because surely those would be much, much less painful than what he now felt. He had dared to hope she would get over him- and quickly. That she would fall for some other man, one that could give her the world, like he had promised to do so many times in the past. But the truth was simple: the dream had only ever been a dream. Evan knew he was no good for Matilda- their lives were headed in such drastically opposite directions. His face betrayed not a hint of his distress- it remained trapped under the cold and distant mask he’s worn since graduation. Evan watched her carefully as their eyes met, lifeless black to shocking blue- and the heavy silence between them was unnerving. He would have felt better if she had instantly started screaming at him- because anything was better than saying nothing. And indeed, in little time she finally seemed able to react to him. Words obviously failed the Russian for the moment, and he didn’t blame her- he couldn’t force himself to speak right away either. When she threw her bag at him- candy, of all the painful little memorable things!- he stood exactly where he was, his muscles locked into place, and allowed the hard candies to pelt his body. Evan didn’t even blink- even if he was surprised by her reaction, and even very faintly amused by it- years of training forbade him from admitting he was caught off guard. Yes, he certainly could have dodged them- he could have whipped out his wand as fast as a cobra strike and stopped them from hitting him- but he didn’t. He knew that this was the very least he deserved for what he did to her, and if she chose to hex him right now- he would not lift a finger to stop her. By all the Gods, he still loved her- and love did funny things to a man. Even now Evan could not even consider the possibility of denying the blond what she wanted- and if she wanted to cause him harm, so be it.
And then she spoke- and though she obviously intended to defend herself against him, he was just content to hear her voice again. He had settled all this time with the dim memory of her beauty and her silky, almost childish voice- but now it was all thrown into relief again. He wasn’t sure if this would cause him more damage when this night was over, but for now, he didn’t care. He was a Rosier, and therefore selfish- he would greedily look at her as long as she would permit him, and pay for it later. “No,” he said quietly, his eyes never daring to look away from hers. “I did not come here to laugh. I came to think- but apparently I am not the only one to travel at random when that need arises.” He watched as she grew steadily more angry- and braced himself for what was coming. Only when he saw the raw hatred in her blue eyes did he look away from them- knowing that look would haunt him until his death- and possibly even longer than that, if such things were to be believed. Instead of speaking she pushed herself off the swing, and typical Matilda, she started to stumble forward. His hands twitched- two instincts warring with each other in that small instant. To reach out for her seemed natural… he couldn’t just allow her to fall when it would be so easy to reach out and steady her. But if he held her in his hands… would he be able to let her go again? His inside argument was cut off when she reached out for the rope to the swing- but he should have known that it would not end there. Yes, the rope saved her from her own clumsiness, but it could no longer take the abuse, and broke under her weight, falling to the ground and taking her with it. It was so endearing- so classically Matilda- that for just a split second, it seemed Evan was going to smile- but he caught himself in time, and his expression remained as blank as it ever was. He listened to her words, saw her frustration vanish to be replaced by sadness. As he heard her choking back her tears, he would have willingly thrust his hand into his chest and ripped out his heart, gift wrapped and with a pretty bow, just to see her smile at him. From experience he knew that she would not take his hand if he offered to help her up- so Evan did something that would have Aurelia screaming at him for days. In the most expensive clothes he ever owned, he sat down on the filthy ground without thinking. Not too close to the blond woman, but not far away from her, either. “Matilda… this is not what I wanted. You were supposed to be happy the next time I saw you… you were supposed to forget all about me, and move on.” Physical pain was simple- Evan knew exactly how to deal with it. But this… this time he was inexperienced. What could he say to take away all of her sadness? Evan Rosier did not do well with emotions- he was without a doubt out of his league!
Joined: Mar 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 270 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #4 on Aug 30, 2009, 8:44pm »
Matilda forced herself to not listen at his words if only because the sound of his voice caused actual physical pain and she did not wish to add more to the already unbearable one she felt in every fiber of her fragile frame. Fragile- a word that never used to describe the young witch… until now: she had allowed her depression to damage her appetite and not even the bright colored sweets she had bought today had been tempting enough to lure her into adding a few extra calories. She knew she had lost weight and she carefully hide it underneath loose clothes that wont attract the attention of those who would have noticed the changes taking place. But it was not something she did on purpose: far from becoming a new torture she simply could not stop the feeling of rejection towards what she usually enjoyed. See- some took comfort in eating twice what they usually did while others did exactly the opposite and ate half what they used to. Should she worry about herself? She did not believe it was alarming- a few pounds made a small difference yet significant enough to have people asking what was wrong and right then she had no desire to give explanations… or better: to make them up. It was no big deal: everyone went through a period of depression in their lives and she will have to start eating like she used to sooner or later. Besides- to watch the sweets hitting the intended target was far more alluring than actually having a taste of them. Matilda was indeed surprised to see him standing so still and thus making no effort to stop the childish attempt. Well… he seemed to be in a generous mood today. How very amusing. Did that mean he would let her hex him too? That would be something to remember but to his good fortune she couldn’t channel enough hatred- if any- to make that happen.
If Matilda though he had taken her dignity away when he laughed before walking away from her life she was soon proven epically wrong. Her clumsiness managed to take away whatever remained as she hit the ground with a typical example of her lack of coordination. She felt frustrated to no end but the sadness she carried inside her heart was stronger than any other feeling- it hurt to see him and Gods! She was not sure how long she could remain in his presence without feeling as if she had been dragged into an open fire. When Evan sat on the ground Matilda did not spare him one look and only when he spoke she reacted to him at last: a soft yet bitter laugh escaped her lips as blue eyes fell on black ones. “I’m sorry to disappoint you- I couldn’t find anyone to marry on such a short notice.” she said- the sarcasm everything but subtle. “Stand up- you’re ruining your clothes and your beloved mother will throw a tantrum when she sees you coming home to your fiancé all covered up in dirt.” Well- she was not feeling particularly gentle as she allowed her anger to speak for herself. What he was doing here? He wanted a moment to think and be alone? But why? He was supposed to be celebrating his engagement with perfection made flesh and bone. A sigh then followed her angry words and with little care she dried up her tears with her shirt and once more wished she could vanish on the spot. “You don’t know me at all if you think I was going to be smiling and laughing.” This time her tone was free from the anger and had returned to be soft and full of sadness. “A month is not enough time to forget and to move on. I don’t know how long will it take but I do know it isn’t something you do from one day to the next.” Her words were honest and clearly exposed how much she was suffering: she had no desire to torment him but she could not hide how difficult it was for her.
She made a small pause and slowly gathered her legs against her chest- hugging them with her thin arms as if protecting herself from some invisible threat. “Just tell me something,” she started once more- fresh tears forming in her eyes but still refusing to roll down her pale cheeks. “What I did wrong? Why it wasn’t enough for you?” Those questions had been hunting her since that one night and she needed to know if she wanted to find some peace in her heart at last. A soft sigh left her lips and she looked up towards him with no hesitation. “And I want the truth. I don’t care what it is or how painful it might be. Tell me you never loved and just used me. Or tell me you did love and left me because I was not worthy of your world. It doesn’t matter as long as is the truth. Please- Evan- I truly wish you no harm. I just want to stop feeling so empty… it hurts too much.” For a little moment she buried her face in her legs and tried to calm down- not wishing to make a scene again. She just wanted a honest answer and she will gladly walk away from him. “I know you think I don’t understand but I do. I learned about your world through you and even if I hadn’t experienced what you had it doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. And most important of all: I know you. I know there are two sides of you- perhaps even more. My Evan wasn’t perfect- he had too many flaws- but I loved him. I would have stayed with him even now… fiancé and everything that was meant to come.” That alone surprise her yet she could not stop to think about it. Was she saying she would have remained by his side even now that he was engaged and soon to be married? Yes- she was saying exactly that. With a little effort she let go on her knees and moved closer to him- just on her hand and knees- until she was facing him: she had nothing left to lose and it became clear as she remained calm and so perfectly still that she did not seem real. “Just tell me. I don’t want my last memory of you to be the one I have carried until today. The truth and nothing more, Evan.” The last came out very softly and with her accent so thick that for a moment she believed to see the little girl she used to be… a little girl meeting the boy who will claim her heart for as long as they were allowed to live.
Evan noticed her surprise as he stood perfectly still and allowed her little candies to hit him. He wouldn’t try to explain his actions- how could he? She wouldn’t believe him if he did. The Russian had always been terrible at hiding her emotions from him- most people were. Cassius had wasted no time teaching his son to read people, because it put him at an advantage. It had its uses- he couldn’t deny that- but on certain occasions he cursed his ability to know what people were thinking. The pain of others always made him uncomfortable. It was, to Cassius’ great disgust, a horrible weakness: Evan, despite his best efforts to the contrary, simply had a heart. It was true that not everyone was able to get under his skin- in fact; there were only a handful of people that could- but caring about those few people had always earned Cassius’ disapproval. Evan remained silent after they exchanged their first few words, allowing her to pull her thoughts together. Silence was a habit for the now young Death Eater- almost everything he did, he did it quietly. Even when he spoke to Rodolphus, there were long pauses in their conversations, permitting both men to think before they opened their mouths. Her bitter laugh knotted his insides even more, but his expression was as smooth as it ever was. “You never disappoint me,” he said quietly, his brutal honestly never wavering. “I had simply dared to hope. You could say I set myself up to be disappointed.” He then shook his head. “If I cared for one second what my mother will think of my clothes, I wouldn’t have sat down. She can throw all the tantrums she wishes- I truly do not care.” Yes, Evan would calmly stand and listen to Aurelia go on about him embarrassing her in front of all of their wonderful guests when he returned- not only because of his dirty clothes, but for disappearing in the first place! She might get violent- or she might hand the punishment over to his dear Uncle Renault. Rodolphus’ father had never before hesitated to teach Evan a lesson he won’t soon forget- and now that Cassius was gone, the man was in his life more than he would have liked to admit. For a moment Evan considered returning home- there was a small chance nobody had noticed his absence yet, and it shouldn’t take him long to make his clothes look perfect once more- but just as the thought came to him, he banished it from his mind. Evan would not let his childhood horrors intimidate him, not now… “I’m sorry,” he then said, the barest hint of sadness trickling into his words. “It was merely wishful thinking. I hoped you had not felt so strongly about me, and therefore would have no problem walking away from me.”
At her request, his gaze swept back over to her- but he would not meet her eyes. Her questions were ones he had been expecting… but knowing they were coming didn’t make them any easier to answer. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Matilda…” he said slowly, calmly. She didn’t realize how close he was to snapping- she couldn’t possibly detect his thin shield of denial getting smaller, vanishing more with each second spent in her company. It had always been there with him- an emotional shield, keeping out most of the pain his entire life. It harnessed his horror, his misery, kept it almost apart from him to allow him a false peace of mind from time to time. But it was stretching now- eighteen years worth of raw emotions stabbing at his cool outer mask, searching for the weakest spot to break through. Anger had always been his outlet, when, at times like these, he couldn’t keep his emotions under his control. But he felt no anger now- not even a hint of annoyance. “The truth?” The words came out rough, in the form of a question, almost as if he had never heard of such a thing before. A life of lies- that was the life he had been born to lead, taught to live. He was capable of telling the truth, but Evan knew from experience that, in most cases, lying was easier. It came naturally to the Rosier heir- and it was a hard habit to break. “I cannot tell you what you want to hear, if you seek the truth. You can have only one: do you want the real reasons, or do you want me to voice the pretty lies you’ve been telling yourself?” He smiled- a sarcastic little smile that she probably hadn’t seen too often, if ever. “Yes- you learned a few facts about the pureblood society, one cannot deny that. But you should consider yourself fortunate that I never told you that much.” Evan had been very careful when speaking to Matilda, never willing to reveal something particularly nasty about his life. Of course, most things about his society were unpleasant- but compared with some of his darker secrets, the little things he let slip to her that she had found horrible were considered wholesome, sane. He listened to her next words… and was surprised to realize he had stopped breathing. After another pause he forced breath back into his lungs. So she loved him… and she would have stayed by his side, whether he was marrying Glorianna or not. How utterly cruel, he thought to himself, of you to say to me. He remained unmoving, watching her crawl closer to him, and resisted the impulse to flinch back. This was wrong. He never should have come here! He had duties to attend to- a fiancé and a room full of people waiting for him back home! For a moment, he could almost see it- the two separate worlds. The life filled with the promise of power and everything else he had grown up to desire, fading into the distance, as images invaded his mind. Matilda. Rodolphus. Angelica- sitting directly in front of him, he could no longer stop himself, and black eyes met large blue ones once more. They held him prisoner there, under the spell of her innocent gaze… and the images pushed his world out of his mind completely.
“It was… for your own good,” he began almost reluctantly, apparently unable to stop the words from slipping off his tongue. They were the words of his father- how many times had Evan heard them, as Cassius stood calmly over his shaking, writhing body? The eternal excuse for his punishments: because he deserved them. It would help to shape him into a better man. Mouthing off to his mother, bumping into and breaking a priceless vase, giving the wrong answer to a question… he always made it sound reasonable. And Matilda, innocent and pure- she would never be able to understand that part of his past. “I had responsibilities thrust at me when my father passed away. He and my mother arranged for my marriage to Glorianna- there was nothing that could be done.” Matilda will have noticed how everyone turned their backs on Angelica when he disowned her that day at school. Only three people knew the real intent behind his actions- he, Rodolphus, and Angelica herself were aware that Evan was saving his sister from marrying a man that would have killed her. It came at a price- like most things did. She was exiled from the pureblood society. Nobody ever spoke her name- Angelica Drusilla Rosier never existed. Most of the evidence to the contrary had immediately been destroyed- save for very few personal items and photographs that those who loved her most had salvaged and now kept hidden from others. Not even Evan spoke of her. The consequence of bringing up a disowned pureblood was facing the possibility of being disowned yourself- or in some cases, hexed until you never have the sudden urge to do so again- and nobody was willing to take that chance. “I never should have asked you to be my girlfriend- I knew it would only bring you pain in the end. The truth is that I was selfish. You would be better off without me in your life, but I couldn’t bear not to have you. You should hate me…” he shook his head at himself, then continued, his tone softer. “I could not stay with you because I’m weak- and I don’t deserve you.”
Dared to hope… and so had Matilda. Just a month and a few more days of constant hoping- for anything to be honest. “Feeling brave?” she said with light sarcasm when he spoke about Aurelia and the tantrum to come if she saw Evan returning home with dirt in his fine clothes. His following words made her both sad and upset. Never before she wished she could make the pain go away- just empty her chest and throw away the beating heart. “A little more than seven years and you know nothing about me. You believe that I would have made a fool of myself the last time I saw you if I did not feel so strongly about you? I swear I would have walked away without even bothering to say one word to you.” Matilda had lowered her defenses to the minimum- pushing aside her pride if only to show him she cared for him more than he dared to imagine. She was a proud young woman and while her break-up with Evan had not been the first of her life it had indeed been the first in which she had cried her heart out. He certainly could live in his denial all he wanted but he had taken half of her with him that day and some of the damage will never be repaired- some wounds too deep that made it impossible to look at him and not feel a deep resentment despite how much she still loved him. Blue eyes fixed on him and against her will she studied him carefully- taking in every small feature that made him so special to her: she missed him and the loneliness was exhausting. What did she miss the most? Just the simple things: falling asleep in his arms at night and the way those deep, black eyes looked at her every day… as if she were the most precious thing in the world. How much it hurt to remember his voice! More when she thought about the last time she saw him- all the cruelty behind his words making her sad as she made her best effort to convince herself he indeed never loved her. Somehow it seemed more merciful to believe he never meant one word he spoke instead of believing he did simply because Matilda could not bare the thought of Evan behaving so cowardly. A soft sigh left her lips when the former snake told the blond she had done nothing wrong: it did not feel that way and even less when he refused to meet her clear gaze. “What I have been telling myself? Oh- you have no idea. But enlighten me! Give me the real reasons because I do not need help with the so called lies.” His smile did not upset her and with rare silence she listened before making her way towards him. “I once thought I had been fortunate but now? I wished I had known. Painful and horrible as it might had been it would had been the truth about the world you live in. You do not seem to understand that I would not have broken in a million pieces.” she added before she stopped in front of him. Of course she would have not broken and yes- she would have not understood everything but never giving her the chance to do so was something that upset Matilda more than she was willing to admit.
Light amusement became evident in her eyes when he started to speak again. For her own good! How much she disliked hearing those words: she was old enough to be held responsible for her actions and did not need another person deciding what was best for her. The more she listened the more amused her expression became… now wishing she could have remained silent if only to avoid the growing sadness inside her heart. “Oh Evan- I do not believe there was nothing that could had been done. There was always an option but you never thought it was worth the trouble.” Matilda had seen the treatment given to Angelica when she was disowned and while she had ignored the real reason behind the terrible action she had not allowed herself to believe Evan could had been capable of so much cruelty without a reason- not in vain his sister was the most important person in his life. That much she knew. “I have no heart to argue: you are weak and you do not deserve me. Yet it was not a decision to make on your own. Gods Evan- anyone who would listen to you would believe I’m a fallen angel. A little, fragile innocent creature that fell in the hands of a horrible monster. What do I need to do to be removed from my high pedestal? Do I need to go and murder someone for you to bring me down from my altar? I must be truly oblivious because I have missed to see my white, delicate wings and my golden halo for the past eighteen years!” Matilda remained in her place in front of him- keeping her hands clasped together if only to avoid the urge of reaching out for him. “I should hate you and I have tried. I guess I have failed because I look at you and I do not feel hatred. I just feel sadness and disappointment. You chose to accept the orders given to you and now have a life you never truly wanted. I now have the certainty I was not enough and that I was worth nothing.” She seemed calm- too calm as she gently wiped a few stubborn tears with one of her hands. “I had been lucky- I had been happy most of my life. I saved every moment to remember and us being together was the happiest of them all. I could offer a million reasons and another million possibilities but I would not dare. I do not want anyone else and I do not know for how long but for now it puts my soul at ease. I still love you- so much that I hate myself for it. You can not take the blame for my stubborn heart.” In a rare moment she smiled at him- gently and loving- and then she reached out to unclasp the necklace she wore around her neck: a beautiful gold and diamond necklace he had chosen and given to her when he asked her to be with him. “Here,” she said, the rare smile still playing on her lips with nerve-racking calm as she handed him the necklace she had not once removed. “I hope you find happiness with her.” With those last words her voice trembled with emotion- fighting with every fiber of her being to avoid breaking down as she looked at him… telling herself this will be the last time and thus to look carefully. She wanted to touch him and hold him close so badly she could go mad on the spot but she endured bravely. If she could just gather strength in her legs to stand up and walk away- to save both of them from the pain and cruelty of the moment!
Evan Rosier Death Eater I torment the frail member is offline
just take my hand, let's fly away. i promise i'll be there everyday.
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 224 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #7 on Oct 10, 2009, 7:28pm »
Evan laughed. He couldn’t help himself- it was quiet and lasted only a second, but the amusement was still there. Not cruel, like the last time he had laughed at Matilda- but genuinely amused by her words. “Feeling brave? I suppose that’s one way to look at it.” He couldn’t tell her how much her mockery affected him. Aurelia’s tantrum, in Matilda’s worst imaginings, would be for the woman to yell at Evan for hours. And Gods, he would take that blissful punishment any day! But no- he knew he was going to be hexed later on, knew that his mother was going to put him back in his place, reminding him of his duties. For a moment he considered explaining the difference to the Russian- enlightening her to what would really happen- but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. A frown followed her words. “Matilda- I said I hoped. I wished. The thought of bringing you pain was almost unbearable… so I told myself you would be fine. In all truth I suppose I knew that you loved me, but lying to myself was easier than accepting that I had hurt you. I never wanted to do that,” he said, taking a shallow breath. Casting Angelica out of his life had changed him. Anyone that cared to look close enough at Evan after it was over could see that something was terribly wrong with him. He knew, for a solid fact, that the break-up with Matilda would not have gone through if not for his cruel practice beforehand. He listened calmly to her next words, doing his best to ignore the sadness growing inside his heart. Evan could only shake his head at her. The Death Eater knew she would be angry- knew he deserved much more than what she was throwing at him- but it still hurt to listen. “You’re right- I’ve fed you lies about my life for years. I did not do it because I thought you were weak- not at all. I just wanted one good thing in my life that has no connection whatsoever to the Pureblood way of living. But fine- you ask me for the truth? You’ll have it.” Evan looked right at her as she sat in front of him, his tone more calm than it was before. “Cassius was a Death Eater- he was one of the first to join the Dark Lord. He was cruel to everyone except my mother and his only true friend, Renault Lestrange. Angelica and I were abused our entire lives. Physical punishments, unforgivable and his own made up curses, verbal abuse. I can’t tell you how often he nearly killed us both. Aurelia had no sympathy- she and Renault would often punish us as well. Over the most ridiculous things… you can’t even imagine. Rodolphus and his brother Rabastan suffered the same, only their mother was the sweetest woman… when Renault wasn’t around, Auntie Rose would be the mother Angelica and I never had- we loved her.” His expression had become distant as he spoke, speaking mechanically as his mind wandered back in time to try and explain his complicated life. “I know you’ve wondered what brought Angelica, Rodolphus, and I so close together- we were the only people to offer love and support to one another all these years. My words don’t do justice to what we have endured- surviving solely to be together, the three of us suffering through it all for each other. And then I went to Hogwarts. It was the tiniest bit of freedom- but we took it. For the first few years we only had to deal with our parents during holiday breaks, everything was just fantastic. I had met you in that first year… and had to lie to two people that mattered most to me so that I could spend time with you. It’s not that I didn’t trust them- I just didn’t want to take a chance of Cassius finding out.” There was no denying the torture he would have had to endure if his father discovered he befriended a half-blood, not to mention the danger he was sure Matilda and her family would have been in.
He glimpsed her amused expression and shook his head. “Oh, but I didn’t. You recall a little earlier in our lives when we had our fight, and stopped speaking? It was around the same time Angelica and I couldn’t be around each other. I had started, finally, to obey Cassius- to cut myself off from everything I cared about. In seventh year when you and I talked in the dungeons, I couldn’t stop myself- I had to continue our friendship. I had missed you too much. Over that holiday break, I returned home and was given the news that I was engaged to Glorianna Yaxley, and that Angelica was engaged to Antonin Dolohov- an old friend of my father’s, a Death Eater notorious for murdering his young wives. That was enough to end our fighting.” Evan sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. “I’m not proud of my actions, but it was around that time I realized… that I loved you, Matilda. I told myself I would discover a way to be with you in the end, not Glorianna, so I asked you to be with me. I was so incredibly happy when you agreed. The time I spent with you… it made everything worth the trouble.” He offered her the ghost of a smile, black eyes staring directly into her large blue ones. Admitting he loved her after their fight was much easier than he thought it would be. “Cassius didn’t just die- he was murdered by Aurors during one of his Death Eater missions. When the letter from home arrived, and Angelica and I read it… I thought the Gods had finally smiled down at me. Angelica was free, I was free… I could scarcely believe my luck. But I should have known better. Rodolphus discovered Cassius’ Will, or a copy of it, included with the letter. It stated clearly that I was to follow through with my previous duties to inherit my family’s fortune… or be disowned. Disowned- it’s not simply ceasing to exist. Its having never existed at all. Nobody speaks about you, nobody thinks about you- you were never there.” Pain seeped into his expression as he tried to think of the words that should come next to his story. “I disowned Angelica that day because it saved her life and gave her a chance at happiness. It was the best thing for her,” he said quietly, tearing his gaze away from her for a moment to look toward the Shack. “A fallen angel? That’s exactly what you are- at least to me. Can’t you see the bright light you gave to me when you walked into my life? If not for you I fear I would have been consumed by the madness surrounding my existence. I wish you would hate me. It would save you so much trouble. And yes- I chose to obey orders because I was afraid. I couldn’t imagine walking away from those I still cared about- people I would have never seen again if I chose to leave. I couldn’t abandon Rodolphus. But it was the hardest choice I ever had to make- and part of me still regrets it. You were always worth it… but I wasn’t.” His gaze returned to her as she spoke, and he closed his eyes. She still loved him. His right hand went to rest over his left arm as he opened his eyes again, catching her loving smile. Should he show her that she shouldn’t love him, because he actually was a monster? The Dark Mark suddenly felt heavy on his arm, hidden only by his sleeve. No… there were just some things he couldn’t tell her. Evan watched her take off her necklace- the very one he had given to her- and held it in his hand as she handed it to him. A long pause followed her words before he shook his head. “It was a gift. One of the few gifts I had ever chosen with care- because I loved you. And now I’m asking you to keep it… because I still love you, Matilda.” There, he said it- the words he had hidden from even himself. To Hell with Glorianna, to Hell with them all! “Please, don’t walk away from me. I did what I did because I thought it was for the best at the time. Not a single moment has passed that you don’t enter my thoughts. We’re both here. Give me the chance to make things right again. I don’t deserve it- I know that- but I’m asking whether I do or not.”
Joined: Mar 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 270 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #8 on Nov 16, 2009, 9:52pm »
Matilda was resigned- the anger she felt replaced by the sadness she had tried so hard to ignore. It was painful to look at him and remind herself of all the good moments they shared. His laughter brought no emotion to her and large blue eyes looked into black one intently as he continued to explain himself. “Hoped- you should have hoped with more conviction because I’m afraid I had not been fine. I have pretended to be alright but that was only a mask I chose to wear for the sake of the people surrounding me. I could never explain them why I felt and still feel like a hollow shell.” Matilda had tried at least for her closest friends and her family- they hadn’t seemed too convinced at first but the cheerful performance had been enough to put their worries at ease after a while. “The denial helped you to live with yourself? I don’t think it did any good to me. To pretend all was a lie hadn’t been effective at the time of crushing the pain. It always remains and I hate it so much.” She made a pause- a shaky breath escaping her lips as she struggled to control her emotions. Once more she listened to what he had to say in his defense: Matilda had always known Evan had kept too much about his life to himself- all those painful details that had never been revealed to her always a constant reminder of how different their lives had been. “And all I wanted was to help you.” True- she knew she would have hated every word escaping his mouth because the thought of the man she loved in any form of pain brought her great sadness and distress. All she ever wanted was to make him smile- to make him happy. For her to be in a relationship meant to share both the good and the bad. His problems were her problems. If anything she believed that make the burden less heavily. It had worked that way for her anyway- she had never hesitated to share her problems and her frustrations with him. Of course she always suspected his problems and sorrows were millions of years away from hers but still she wished she could have given him some comfort. The slender woman grew silent as he agreed to share the secret with her at last… the words escaping his lips reaching her ears without any attempt to make the truth any less terrible than it was. All the suddenly a lot more made sense to her about Evan and the people surrounding him. It made her appreciate her good fortune even more as she confirmed without hint of doubt the cruel treatment he had suffered from the people that was supposed to take care of him. She was right about his parents even though her vivid imagination never wandered that far if only because she still refused to believe a father could treat his own child with that much cruelty. Also she knew better now about why he kept their friendship a secret- he had never been ashamed of her but instead he was just making sure no harm reached her. In her heart she always knew but still it was her own insecurities that often made her wonder if that was the real reason.
Still in perfect silence she continued to listen- her hands neatly folded in her lap. For some reason the knowledge of the path in life chosen by Evan’s father was pushed in the back of her mind: perhaps that was the sweet denial she didn’t understand so well but it was better that way or else she would have to force herself to ask about it- to ask if he had been forced to follow the same path. Matilda knew she could not listen to the answer at the time being- too many emotions on the surface that made her doubt of her self control. It hurt her to hear about what he had hoped for them because whatever future they could have had together was no longer a possibility- fresh tears building in her eyes as she demanded herself to remain focus. He smiled faintly and she just looked at him- unable to smile like she had done so many times before. She heard that he loved her but no… hope she no longer had or so she believed. The rest was painful to hear but she endured it the best way she could: the real reason why Angelica was disowned and why he was forced to accept the engagement to Glorianna found in the revelation of his father’s will. Gods! It didn’t help to make her feel any better because despite her understanding her heart was stubborn and could not stop reminding her that he had chosen the life he was living now out of fear. Of course it wasn’t that simple but then again what did she know about that? The thought of vanishing in thin air was indeed a terrible and terrifying one… so if only for him she tried to change her view- to accept that his fears were more than acceptable no matter how much his decision had hurt her. She shook her head firmly when Evan said he wished she could hate him: she had tried but that turned out to be impossible. She loved him- even now she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone else. To learn her presence in his life had perhaps made a difference brought her some comfort- at least it wasn’t all in vain, at least she was capable of bringing some happiness into his world. “You were worth it to me,” she said quietly before offering him a loving smile. It was then when she made her choice and gave him the necklace, placing it in his hand with a peaceful expression upon her beautiful features. She didn’t want to say goodbye but she had no other choice. Her heart was at peace now… not entirely but enough to convince her it was time to set him free. She will love him- for how long she didn’t know- but she had to be strong and understand one for all that they didn’t belong together. But as always her conviction was shattered by his following words and she looked into his black eyes almost in agony: he couldn’t say that to her just when she had been brave enough to continue without him. “Evan…” Matilda didn’t know what else to say as her heart clung to his words with desperate need: he still loved her and he wanted to be with her. She looked at the necklace in his hand and had to admit she felt naked without it… just as she felt terribly empty without the man she loved. Nothing will ever be simple again in her life yet she could hardly deny that it would be worth it… if only to steal a few moments with him. “I’m so scared to lose you again. I have lost you twice… I don’t know what to do with myself anymore but I do know that my place is next to you.” Her voice trembled with emotion as she wrapped her arms around herself. “Hold me… please.” It was a broken plea but that was all she could manage- feeling she would stop breathing if he didn’t. “I love you so much…”
Evan Rosier Death Eater I torment the frail member is offline
just take my hand, let's fly away. i promise i'll be there everyday.
Joined: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 224 Karma: 0
Re: hurry- i'm falling [Evan] « Reply #9 on Nov 29, 2009, 9:40pm »
Evan listened to her words in silence. He didn’t like to hear that she had been forced to pretend happiness for her loved ones… but at the same time, his heart beat rather painfully in his chest, reprimanding his thoughts- because that small part of him found peace with the fact that she had truly cared about him that much. It was more than he had ever dared to hope for. However wrong, however sick it was- he could not deny it made him feel the tiniest bit better to know she had not simply skipped off into the sunset to resume her old life, without him. He had tortured himself, making himself believe she had forgotten all about him- because it was healthier for them both. She spoke of the pain of losing him and he couldn’t help but agree with her. It was made only bearable because of Rodolphus. If not for his brother he was sure the overwhelming grief would have consumed him in the worst possible way. “I hate that it causes you distress,” he said in a quiet voice. Her pain brought him pain. On the rare occasion that he was actually granted sleep, at least he could rest believing she was happy, wherever she was. But now he didn’t see how he would ever sleep again- because now he knew it was all a lie. Her sadness would surely haunt him, adding to every other ounce of distress his mind so generously reminded him of at all moments of his day. “Can you believe, after what I’ve done to you, that I wanted you to be happy? To forget about me and find someone that’s good for you- that would never bring you harm? I’m not good for you. Allowing what happened between us was a terrible mistake, because I always knew I couldn’t give you the life you deserved. I couldn’t help falling for you, but I should have acted as if I hadn’t. Look at the pain I’ve brought you. I never deserved your time.” He spoke calmly, truly believing every word he said. Evan had accepted long ago that his life was meant to be full of misery and pain. He understood he was supposed to be Cassius reincarnate. Falling in love with Matilda had been the most unexpected, uncalled for twist of the knife in his heart. As if he wasn’t suffering enough! His life with her had never been as perfect as he would have liked- the lies forcing him to seem like someone else entirely. But he had been happy with her, despite all of that. Her smile, her laugh… it was almost addicting. The happy feelings she gave him almost made him forget who he was. The Gods only too kindly had to step in and offer him the reminder that his happiness had to end.
Her next words cut deeper into him. “You think you didn’t help me? Is that what you truly believe? Matilda… you can’t even begin to imagine what you did for me,” he said before pausing, searching for the words that could possibly describe what he wanted to say. There were none. He sighed, giving up, and looked straight into her beautiful eyes as if the answer would be written in them. “You helped more than I can describe. You really don’t know the difference you made in my life- the way I was before I saw you, and the way I was after you were mine.” Evan had been very careful with the problems he shared with Matilda. His classes, his annoying classmates, minor injuries he received from Quidditch. He had never dared to share with her his more complicated issues, and always felt a little guilty about it, especially when she had no problem telling him anything and everything. He knew it wasn’t fair but at the time he didn’t want to tell her anything that would upset her. The times he could spend with her weren’t often enough and he simply refused to waste precious time in despair. Then Evan finally gave up his struggle and started trying to explain the way his life worked. He didn’t tell her every detail of the horror, but he gave her the general idea- which of course should have been enough to shock most people into silence. There were moments of his past that he even refused to talk about with his sister and Rodolphus- memories so terrible that his mind unconsciously locked away for good for the sake of his humanity. Though his tone was too calm, almost lifeless, his black eyes held a deep resentment and hatred as he explained everything to her. The torture, the constant fear of closing your eyes for just one second too long. Watching helplessly as people you loved writhed in total agony. The feeling of unconsciousness consuming you when the pain finally became too great for the human body and mind to handle- of how peaceful and welcoming it was, but also knowing you had to find the will to go back to the pain, because there were people that needed you. The very rational fear of lying in his bed, knowing he was in trouble- for breaking a priceless vase of Aurelia’s, or for making another one of his nannies quit on them, or for upsetting his Mother in some ridiculous way. The distinct sound of Cassius’ slow, sure footsteps coming closer to Evan’s room to deliver his punishment. It was always easier when he was expecting it, but sometimes Cassius would have grown bored and decided to surprise his son with his infamous temper. He explained it all to Matilda, because he was tired of lying to her, tired of pretending these things didn’t happen to him. He wasn’t sparing her feelings- she thought she was capable of understanding, and so he told her the absolute truth.
The Dark Mark suddenly felt like it was searing into his skin- for one bewildered moment he thought the Dark Lord was summoning him. He rubbed absently at it, and after a moment he understood he was only imagining the mild pain. It was probably the guilt getting to him. The secret was now out that Cassius had been a Death Eater- in fact he had been one of the first few that made up the Inner Circle; the coldest, the soulless murderers that killed and tortured without so much as a second thought. Evan had been given no choice but to take his Father’s place instead of just joining them- the Mark branded into his skin forever as a constant reminder that he had a Master, that he too was a heartless killer. He had taken the lives of so many others because it was either kill or be killed- and of course he could not simply leave Rodolphus alone in that world, so he obeyed. Matilda didn’t ask if he had taken the path and he didn’t tell her- avoiding her gaze all the while. That was one fact about his life that he was truly ashamed of and refused to admit to the fair-haired beauty sitting in front of him. However he did go on, reluctantly, to tell her the truth about Angelica and why he had to break things off with Matilda to go along with his engagement. He didn’t make any attempt to hide his ill feelings when he spoke of Glorianna. She was vile- painfully reminding him of Aurelia in many ways. But it was one of the prices he had to pay to stay where the world strongly believed he belonged- standing with his perfect wife next to his best friend and his cousin, Bellatrix. The Gods know Evan had tried to think of a way he could stay with Matilda, the possibilities he had never allowed himself to dream of coming to him with the news of Cassius’ death- only to then be crushed when Rodolphus found the damned Will. Evan saw the fresh tears well up in her eyes when he was brave enough to look at her again, and his chest tightened a little bit more- and then smiled wryly as she stubbornly shook her head after he confessed he wished she would hate him. It would be much easier for both of them if she did, because he knew he could never feel that way about her- he would love her always, no matter what happened. Her next words followed by the loving smile hurt almost as much as her pain and misery did- he couldn’t decide which was worse at the moment. “I was never worth it, can’t you see that? I’ve lied and hurt you time and time again. You’ve always deserved so much more than I could offer you.” Evan held the necklace he had given her in his hand sadly. It should end right there. They should both walk back to where they belonged, because that was it- there was nothing left. But Evan had always been a selfish man, and true to his nature, he spoke the words that he knew would cause her to stay with him- the simple truth that he had never stopped loving her. He was asking her to stay with him despite knowing he didn’t have the right to do so… but he didn’t think he would survive watching her walk away from him. Not this time. He saw the agony in her eyes and matched it perfectly before his eyes closed as she said his name. “As my place is next you to, Matilda,” he murmured, feeling at peace for the first time as he closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around her waist at her request. He felt whole again, turning her so that her back fit neatly against his chest and he leaned down to press his face into her hair. “I have no strength left to keep myself away from you.” Evan reached out for one of her hands and placed the necklace firmly in her palm, closing her hand over it. “Keep it- it belongs to you as surely as my heart and soul. I didn’t even know they existed until you came along. They have always belonged to you, Tilly. I love you, too- so much that it’s probably unhealthy.”
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